Say Uncle! Say It!

Oh hello there.  How nice of you to join me this evening.  What’s that?  What’s that in my hand?  IS THAT FOOD??

Yes.  Yes it is.

Today on Facebook I announced that ‘Today would be the first day of my 10 day juice fast!’  By 11:45 I was dipping red peppers in hummus.   Oops.

So what happened?  Well…a friend gently pointed out that with the high doses of meds I’m on, I probably shouldn’t be doing an unsupervised cleanse.

True.  But before she even called me I had decided that I was going to eat along with the juicing.  Why?  Well, a couple of reasons.  First up…I’m weak as a kitten.  I made my first juice at 9ish.  By 9:30 I was clutching my french press and weeping while seriously considering licking the yogurt and honey off of Trapezoid’s face.

Why. Don't. You. Just. Try.

Why. Don’t. You. Just. Try. It.

Quel dramatic, no?

But seriously, I forgot how weirdly hungry the steroids make you.  And also…I may have some food attachment issues.  And alllllso…who cares.  Really.  The foods I’m eating are so great right now, what does it matter if I eat a giant kale salad on top of the juice?  Or a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup?  Uh yeah…that happened today.  I ain’t gonna lie.  That thing was de-freaking-licious.

I don’t want to lose weight.  Well, I’d like to lose the face but that isn’t going to happen until I’m off the ‘roids…June 21st but who’s counting? 😉

Am I embarrassed that I made a big declaration and then didn’t stick to it?  I was.  For about 5 minutes.  But I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be TOTALLY honest about this process.  I’m not going to Instagram it.  So yes, juice cleanse fail.  I got scared and frustrated with the horrific vasculitis and the sore knees and I made a rash decision.  (Get it?  ‘RASH’ decision…oh Danielle…you SLAY me!)  But that’s okay.  I want to succeed at being healthy and I think going a little easier works better for me.

I’m still going to juice 3 times a day.  I actually LIKE the way it tastes and I don’t like juice.  It’s Micronutrientastic!  This morning I did carrots/grapefruit/kale/apple.  Awesome.  Then I was still hungry so I tried beet/carrot/apple/kale.  Really good.

Trap gave it zero thumbs up. “I no like this juice!”

Then for dinner I got schooled by the juicer.  I tried beet/cucumber/carrot/kale…and CABBAGE!  What???  Why??  That was a black belt juicer move that I had no right doing.  The juicer Karate Kidded me.  Flicked me right on the nose.  It was SO gross!!  Thank goodness I threw an apple in there at the last minute.  Kyle bravely downed the whole glass (but took a moment to gasp as he finished the glass “The end is the hardest part!”).  Purple tried it and let me know that it tasted like coffee.  I’m not sure if that’s better or worse than his last ‘green bones’ juice review.  Which BTW would make an excellent name for a juice company. (TRADEMARK TRADEMARK TRADEMARK!)

Girl...I'ma bitch slap your taste buds.

Girl…I’ma bitch slap your taste buds.

Also…beets get messy.  It looked like an episode of Dexter in my kitchen.

photo 1

FYI your pee will be the same color. TMI? OMG!

On this note, I wanted to share some great recipes we’ve been trying.

This kale salad.  Did you know if you just massage raw kale it breaks down and makes an amazing salad?  I am loosey goosey with this recipe…I’ve never used squash in it, I just add extra beets and throw on some chia seed, ground flax and avocado.  And what the hell is a satsuma?!  I don’t know.  So I use oranges.  I also double the dressing when I make it since we go through it so fast.

Original recipe here:

I like a nice massage and long walks on the beach.

I like a nice massage and long walks on the beach.

This broccoli salad rocks my world.  The key is using the slicer disk on your food processor!  “But I don’t HAVE a food processor!” you say.  Get one.  Get to the store and get your ass a food processor.

The first time I made it, I almost ate the whole thing in one sitting.  Yes, that’s 2 giant bundles of broccoli.  So the second time I made it I went overboard (gasp! shock! surprise!) and made twice as much (see ridiculously giant bowl of broccoli below).  But I forgot an ingredient in the dressing.  So it was bland and I was stuck eating copious amounts of it for the week.  BUT…if you make it right…swoon!

Original not messed up recipe:

Mmmm gassy!

Mmmm gassy!

Chicken in the crock pot.  I was traumatized by my horrific, skin crawling experience of pulling all of the skin off of a whole, raw chicken. (Skinless, headless baby.  I swear.)  So now I just throw the whole thing in there, sprinkle with salt and pepper and turn it on high for about 5 hours.  THEN I pull off the skin.  Then I strip the meat, throw the bones back in the crock pot with some carrots, onions, smashed garlic and bay leaves and turn it on low overnight.  I am overrun with chicken stock in my freezer but since we cook all of our rice, lentils, quinoa and beans in stock it’s getting used up.  And hello money saver because store bought stock adds up!

I know...strain it.

I know…strain it.

The chicken we use wherever but my absolute FAVORITE is this knock off recipe for Whole Foods Chicken Sonoma Salad.  You know the one with the grapes and pecans?  I’ve tried subbing greek yogurt for the mayo but sometimes a girl just needs a nice, fatty chicken salad.

Original recipe here:

These slow roasted tomatoes.  They will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!  No.  Well they will TASTE REALLY GOOD!  They literally melt in your mouth.  You can blend them up and use them as a sauce or mix them in with your grains or put them on sandwiches or you can catch your husband standing over the dish with a fork and eating all of them and you can stab your husband with the fork and go to jail but you’ll always have the memories of the lovely, rich tomatoes to keep you warm at night.  Well, tomato memories and Fat Marge.  Good luck in the Big House.

'Big deal' you say.  I'll take your apology later.

‘Big deal’ you say. I’ll take your apology later.

Cook’s Illustrated blocks you from seeing the recipe so I’ll just tell you.

Heat that oven up to 325 degrees.  Thinly slice 4-6 cloves of garlic.  Pour a bunch of olive oil in the bottom of a baking dish.  Scatter half of the garlic.  Slice tomatoes about a 1/2 inch thick.  You really want a nice, thick slice.  Romas work great for this but I just use the most affordable organic I can find.  Place them in the pan.  Scatter the other half of the garlic and pour on a bunch more oil.  Sprinkle with salt.  Bake for 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours.  Kick your husband out of the house.  Remove from oven.  Eat them all.  Don’t be afraid to use lots of oil.  I reserve it to cook with or it’s a great bread dip.

Snacks…this coconut oil bark is amaaaazing!  I’ll give you the recipe I start with but I change it up.  I use honey, raw cacao powder, throw in cacao nibs, chia seeds, a ton of toasted almonds and toasted coconut flakes and right before I stick it in the freezer I sprinkle it with sea salt.  Even Kyle likes it.  Which makes me sad because that means he eats it.  (Yes.  I’ve said it already.  Food issues.)

Original recipe here:

The secret's in the salt!

The secret’s in the salt!

And stove top popcorn sprinkled with nutritional yeast.  Do you know about nutritional yeast?  Good for you!  And has this great nutty, cheesy flavor. When I make the kids’ pasta I let them sprinkle it on there and they call it cheese noodles.  Works for me.

From WikiWikiWhat!O’Pedia:

On average, 2 tablespoons provides 60 calories with 5 g of carbohydrates (of which 4 g is fiber). A serving also provides 9 g of protein and is a complete protein, providing all nine amino acids the human body cannot produce. It is also a source of selenium and potassium. While fortified and unfortified nutritional yeast both provide iron, the fortified yeast provides 20 percent of the recommended daily value, while unfortified yeast provides only 5 percent. Unfortified nutritional yeast provides from 35 to 100 percent of all of the B vitamins, except for B12. Fortified nutritional yeast adds 150 percent of vitamin B12 and 720 percent of riboflavin.

But mostly we’ve just been eating…better.  Like this was breakfast for dinner.  Normally that would have been bacon and eggs but now we throw greens in with every meal.  And those roasted tomatoes.  And avocado on toast…and man I want to get up and eat right now but it’s 12:46am and I won’t I won’t I won’t.  Maybe.

I literally want to go make this to eat right now.

Lame pic…not a food photog.  Obviously.

And let me leave you with this.  These potatoes were lame-o.  If you have a Pinterest account then you’ve seen these things 100 times.  I finally made them.  Meh.  First off…what a whupping.  Secondly, you have the get in between every slice with the oil.  Thirdly…am I the only person that can’t correctly cook a sweet potato to save her life??  AT LEAST AN HOUR!  Why can’t I remember that??  Maybe you had better luck?  Maybe you used a striped paper straw to drink Tiffany blue lemonade out of a mason jar while you whipped up a Pinterest perfect version of these potatoes?  If so…kudos to you.  Now go untie your kids and let them eat dinner.

Hope you like lots of cutting for lame eats!

Hope you like lots of cutting for lame eats!

I’m forgetting stuff…I made hummus (so good) and crackers…yes…homemade crackers.  That I can’t eat.  I’ve officially lost the plot.  And so much more but I can’t remember.

I hope this post wasn’t too food boring for you.  I tried stuff (juicing), I failed at stuff (exclusively juicing), I ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup (that’s fail/win).  I juiced a freaking cabbage.  I think we all know what category that falls under.

So juice.  Or don’t juice.  But whatever you do…just don’t piss off Fat Marge.