Et Tu, ZPak??

WARNING: This post may…probably…OKAY FINE. DOES! contain whining.

Mama done got the plague.

From you. And you.

Trap had it. Over in 36 hours.

What's that virus?  You want a piece of this?  Yeah...I didn't think so.

What’s that, virus? You want a piece of this? Yeah…I didn’t think so.

Purple got it. Not over in 36 hours. Turned into pneumonia with a side of wicked ear infection.

"Thanks for waiting 4 days to take me to the doctor. Chapter 2 of my book, ma.  Chapter 2."

“Thanks for waiting 4 days to take me to the doctor. Chapter 2 of my book, Ma. Chapter 2.”

Of course it should come as no shock that after a solid week and a half of being drooled, crawled and chewed on by small sick creatures…it was my turn. Seriously. It was like living with spider monkeys. Not the cute, eats tiny treats out of your hand kind. The poop flinging, Ebola kind.

Cue the runny nose. The cough. The mucus. THE MUCUS. Oh the humanity! I thought I was detoxing from the juicing. I was not. Or maybe that made everything worse?? Who knows. And at that point, who cares?!

Tuesday morning I made my way to my doctor to check for a sinus infection. It was either a sinus infection or someone had punched me in the face and my teeth were about to fall out. She wrote me a prescription for a ZPak but told me to hold off on it since my immune system was already compromised from the steroids. Which I totally agreed with because I know that sinus infections can heal on their own. I also had my follow up appointment with my naturopathic doctor and she gave me a natural treatment so I started that.

(BTW everything a naturo prescribes is very fun to say as if you are casting a spell…especially if you say it very Monty Python-ish…KALI BICH KALI BICH KALI BICH!)

(I swear in the name of all that is holy I will write about the naturopathic doctor. It’s just hard to get it down properly.)

Remember the days when you could be sick and crawl under a blanket on the couch where you could alternate sleeping and watching bad daytime television? And you would wake up all sweaty and surrounded by gross tissues and NyQuil bottles and boxes of crackers and half empty mugs of soup? And then you would just fall right back to sleep. Remember?? Yeah…me neither. Sounds dreamy though.

If you watch The Walking Dead you know that a gun shot makes all of the zombies stop and head in that direction. The exact same thing happens when a sick mother hits the couch. Small, hungry creatures gravitate towards you.

Ohhh...you give the KIDS the NyQuil...NOW I get it...

Ohhh…you give the KIDS the NyQuil…NOW I get it…

Small, active boys are NOT good nurses. And leaving them to their own devices for days at a time only results in cranky, bored and restless kids.

These were placed beside me when I tried to close my eyes for a few minutes.  A warning?

These were placed beside me when I tried to close my eyes for a few minutes. A warning?

So to keep them busy we tried:

THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE REGULAR APPLE JUICE!  AND IT'S TOO NOISY!

Juicing. “THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE REGULAR JUICE FROM THE STORE!”

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Making crackers. A sharp blade in a food processor should keep them occupied, right?

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Watching crackers bake. FYI…they are arguing over which cracker is the biggest freakazoid. For real. Freakazoid??

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Yeah…not a good idea.

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2 seconds after this picture was taken they were wrestling in chicken salad.

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Best. Idea. Ever.

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Second best idea ever.

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Rocking Chair Races! Mama can sit!

Oh are you SITTING DOWN, Mom??  Excellent...you have made yourself into an excellent jungle gym...

Oh are you SITTING DOWN, Mom?? Excellent…you have made yourself into an kid approved jungle gym…

IMG_3707

And finally…a trip to the zoo. Where I saw the greatest donor gift ever. When I die, please please adopt a GIGANTIC pig in my name. You can see her up in the upper left…greatness.

Guess what? Despite all of that resting (ha ha) I did not get better. Did you know that a sinus infection can get so bad that the pain can radiate down your jaw and into your shoulder. Causing you to think that you are having a 3am heart attack? Nope. Neither did I. The next morning I had another doctor’s appointment and he suggested that I fill the prescription because he suspected that I had bronchitis as well.

So I gave in and filled it. And guess what?

In my new weird body reality…I am now allergic to ZPaks. Welts. Swollen throat (scary) and worst of all…the vasculitis came back. My doc took me off of the ZPak immediately and prescribed me ammoxicillin. Which I was too chicken to take.

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I’m not going to lie. This whole thing took me down down down down to a yucky place. To have that craptacular vasculitis on its way to being under control and then to see it spiral back again so quickly…blah. It made me feel like maybe I was imagining that my vasculitis had gotten better. Like maybe it was just a fluke and all of the changes and juicing had nothing to do with it.

Of course it did NOT help to have sick kids. And then to be sick. Everything just kind of goes to hell. It’s hard to eat as healthy. You’re all stuck in the house. The disgusting house because let’s be honest…you’re exhausted and your sinus infected face hurts too much to bend over to pick up toys/clothes/sippies/kids. And then the day you suck up being sick and pack everyone up and go to the zoo you get there and realize that the humidity level is 7000% and you spend the next 2 hours with tiny children wilting beside you saying “I’m hooooooooot…it’s hooooooooot…” and all you want to do is yell, “I KNOW!! IT’S DISGUSTING OUT HERE! MOMMY IS HOT TOO!!” and maybe put them both in headlocks in your gross, stinky armpits as you carry them out to the car but you don’t because you know the reward when you get home will be 2 children so whupped that they will not move for the next 3 hours so instead of going home you take them on the ZOO TRAIN which is SO lame that it’s awesome. It’s SO lamely awesome that you could charge $20 a ride and the hipsters would eat it up. The zoo train does not take you past animals. Oh no. The zoo train takes you past…I don’t even know how to describe it…weird faded things cut out of plywood.

My kingdom to whoever (whomever?) can tell me what in the hell that red thing is up at the top right??

My kingdom to whoever (whomever?) can click on this picture and tell me what in the hell that pink thing is up at the top right??

It's a faded frog.  In an old bathtub.  My kids flip for it.  I'm going home and throwing out all of their toys.

It’s a faded frog. In an old bathtub. My kids flip for it. I’m going to go home and throw out all of their toys.

But enough about the best zoo ever. (Seriously…it is. It’s a rescue and rehabilitation zoo.)

Throughout all of this mess, I just kept juicing. And kept juicing. And I keep on juicing. Beets. Kale. Spinach. Carrots. Apples. Pineapples. Grapefruit. Beet greens. Oranges.

And wouldn’t you know it. I’m making that vasculitis my bitch again. That’s right. I said it. That vasculitis can suck it. It’s fading so fast again. I showed my rheum today and told him about the juicing. He said, “Well who knows! Just keep doing it! It certainly can’t hurt!” I have a follow up appointment with him in 2 weeks and I told him to ‘PREPARE TO BE AMAZED!!’ He said he was looking forward to it. Oh no, good doctor…the pleasure will be all mine!!

And when I kill this vasculitis? I’m buying it a donor pig at the zoo.

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14 thoughts on “Et Tu, ZPak??

  1. Sweetie, you are probably the only person I know that can take a “frustrating condition” and put a funny spin to it. Even your doctor acknowledged that you have an amazingly positive attitude. Like I always tell ya… “love ya to the moon xoxo”

  2. Ok I just keep laughing at how literally in every picture a certain someone is not wearing pants! I’m sorry you were so sick, that has to be miserable!!

  3. The two weird pink things are earthworms copulating! I can’t believe you don’t remember this from science class…or did we just dissect them?

  4. And… I’m super alergic to ZPac and go into anaphylaxis. And because of that, I’m also allergic to Erythromycin and many others in the myacin family. So, please know this and be extra careful!

  5. Haha, as soon as I blew the picture up, I was like that’s 2 pink worms. What kind of zoo has a train that doesn’t go by any animals?!?!

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